Neighborhood Notes

Tuesday's Blog-Off Challenge sent by The Mercury's Amy Ruiz: This challenge is courtesy of a reader: "I'd like to hear a response plan from each agency on a Nessie-esque beast in the water reservoirs. Assume it is dangerous, eating skinny dippers, dragging dogs underwater, etc."

News Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                                                        For more information contact,

August 19, 2008                                                                   Jennie Burget

                                                                                          Interim Public Information Officer

                                                                                          503-823-7510

Portland Water Bureau takes drastic measures to protect drinking water

PORTLAND, Ore- In response to recent threats to its water quality, the Portland Water Bureau has implemented a new security tactic at its Mt. Tabor Reservoirs. The bureau has purchased a Nessie-esque beast, from Scottish Water Company. The bureau wants its public to know that this is not an emegency situation, but a planned maneuver.

The beast, who has been affectionately dubbed Tabortha, was pre-treated with an animal sanitizer to ensure that her scales and body parts will not negatively affect water quality. She entered the reservoir germ neutral. She will live the remainder of her years, (estimated to be nearly 100), within the waters of Mt. Tabor, switching between reservoirs as her guard services are needed.

Tabortha is known to be extremely aggressive and prefers dogs and skinny-dippers to the 20 pounds of beef she is fed every day. The bureau recommends that all humans and animals keep their distance, as she is known to surprise attack. The bureau lost one security officer already, who was snatched up, drowned and eaten, when he got too close to Reservoir #6 last week. The bureau takes no responsibility for the actions of Tabortha, citing an old Portland law allowing "drastic measures to be implemented in order to keep Bull Run water pristine."

While the implementation of a beast like Tabortha is not a common technique in protecting water quality, the Water Bureau feels her presence will be an extremely effective deterrent to a recent rash of vandals who have targeted Tabor. Over the past three months, the bureau has dealt with skinny-dippers, a can of latex paint, a construction cone and fliers floating around in the reservoirs, threatening water quality.

"These reservoirs contain your drinking water, Portland!" squeaked Water Bureau Administrator David Shaff to reporters who questioned his decision. "Be it man, woman or beast, the Portland Water Bureau will stop at nothing to deliver you clean, cold, cheap and constant drinking water, every single day."

Tabortha is one of 20 known remaining beasts in the Loch Ness Monster family. The beasts were thought fictional until last year when a Scottish fisherman found a dead Loch Ness washed up on shore.

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Teehee. Well, we sure had fun posting this one over at the Water Blog. Click here to see what the Cross Bloggers came up with. Make sure to leave a comment as your vote. Your comment = your vote! Vote Water!